Ciel is not fat!
by jadedfox2
Summary: Alois and Claude come over to negotiate. things don't turn out that great... well, not completely ;D  i don't own kuroshitsuji. yana toboso does. seriously people. fanfiction is called fanfiction for a reason ;D SEBCIEL CLAUDE/ALOIS


Sebastian was a proud butler. So, like any good, proud butler would, when Alois and Claude came to the Phantomhive Manor to discuss things that involved a truce and possible friendship (with a scoff that had much gusto from the young master) he obliged, setting up only the most exquisite tableware and upholding the best manners he could muster.

Even when Ciel had requested Sebastian and Claude leave Alois and himself to talk, (although hesitantly) he agreed.

And now here they were, Claude and Sebastian. Sipping tea, talking about their masters.

"-And that's when he just plucked her eye out! I swear, the blood stains on her dress were a nightmare to get out. And don't even get me started about the carpet!" Claude went on with hellish descriptions of stained embellishments and such. Since when was he so talkative?

"Speaking of nightmarish stains, Bocchan once got caramel on his nice white shorts. I tell you, you want to talk about hellish." Sebastian commented more out of boredom than anything.. sipping his tea, Sebastian listen to more of Claude's ramblings.

"How does he eat like that? If Alois ate like that he'd be a cow!" Was Claude on drugs? Not only did he just call his master by name, but he referred to him as a would-be cow.

Wait a second.

"What exactly is wrong with the way _my_ Bocchan eats?" Sebastian was a tad offended, I mean, who is Claude to be questioning how Sebastian fed _his_ master (emphasis on the _his_)? And more so to assume in such a way that he wouldn't be healthy as could be!

Claude shrugged. "Oh, nothing, really. I was just mentioning to the excessive amounts of sugar you give him on a daily basis. He would be much better off if you gave him less."

Sebastian was getting very irritated at this point.

"Oh? And how exactly would you know this?"

"It's rather quite obvious. I mean, look at the poor boy! So out of shape. So wea-"

_That_ was it. Sebastian, eyes glowing, slammed his fist onto the table as he stood.

"Excuse me, Faustus, but what exactly are you getting at?"

"Nothing, just that Ciel would be much better off in my care."

Oh hell to the no.

Sebastian's fist came colliding into Claude's face, knocking the latter onto the floor. (ha-ha)

"How dare you! I can see what happens to people that are in your care!" Sebastian yelled as he and Claude fought on the well furnished floor. (Sebastian picked the best color for the carpet.)

"Yes, they are healthy and in shape! Well enough shape to dress-" Another fist to the face.

"Like what? A slut?" they rolled around so Claude was on top of Sebastian.

"Well, at least Alois can do it and look good! I bet the only reason Ciel doesn't is because he's fat!"

Oh, if the fire of hell could be manifested in one's glare, Sebastian would've fueled all of the underworld. He was _pissed._

"Ciel is _not _fat! The reason he doesn't dress that was is because he has some self respect! Tell Alois to try it sometime!"

Punches were rolling and blood was shed on that poor (gorgeous) carpet. Someone would have to pay for that.

Luckily, it couldn't continue forever, for they were making quite the ruckus.

"Oi, what are they doing?" Ciel was quite exasperated. You'd think he could leave two grown _demon men _alone without them starting something.

"I dunno, but let's go find out, Ciely-kinns!" Ciel could feel his already existing migraine turn into full head combustion.

"And another thing-"

"What are you two idiot- MY FREAKING CARPET!" Ciel was more angry then he could remember being in a long while, as a matter of fact in six months and four days. He had a record and he just lost it.

"Seriously? This was imported from India! Do you know how much it cost?" Granted, he had Soma bring it to him, so not as much as it would have, but that was beside the point.

Ciel seemed to totally disregard the fact that his butler was now on top of Alois's butler beating him to a bloody pulp.

"Ciel! Get your dog off of my butler!"

"-And-wait, my _dog_?" Ciel stopped mid sentence. Only he could call Sebastian anything derogatory.

"Yes! Your dog! He's hurting my poor Claude-Chan!"

"Your _cur_ of a butler probably started it!" Ciel was very angry. He uncharacteristically got in Alois's face.

"Don't be silly! Sebastian's going to ruin Claude's beautiful face!" Alois jumped and dramatically pointed, faking tears.

Ciel scoffed. "Sebastian is much more attractive than Claude!" Alois pouted.

"But Claude is hot!"

Ciel sauntered over to Sebastian and mentioned with his hands up and down his body.

"Sebastian's fucking sexy! And you can't deny it!"

Sebastian smirked. He couldn't agree more.

"Yes, but Claude-Chan turns salt into-"

Ciel's face turned to one of disgust. "There you go again with that turning salt into dark blue or some shit! Get the bloody hell out of here, we'll talk some other time! I'm sick of your presence!"

"Well fine then! Come on Claude!" They paraded out the door.

"And expect a bloody bill for my carpet!" Ciel yelled after them, slamming the door shut.

He stood there fuming for a few moments, noticing Sebastian smirking at him.

"What the hell are you looking at?" Ciel said, angrily. Sebastian strode towards him, bending down to be eye level with him.

"So you think I'm "fucking" sexy?" He said, a glint in his eye, while emphasizing the word "fucking".

Ciel rolled his eyes. "Naw, I just said that. God Sebastian. Bring me some strawberry shortcake with lots of whipped crème in my office. I need something _sweet._"

And I think you catch my drift on what happened next.

~CHU

**A/N: hihihihihi, so, my first kuro fic. I feel a bit ridiculous, but I'll get over it. I know it's OOC, especially Ciel, but, hey I'm practicing. I can do that. Also, I have HORRIBLE writer's block and I'm trying to work over that. Well, be kind, and R&R! haha. **


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